I am filled with boundless joy, hope and love. Every day you prove to those who hate you and hate good governance that you are the best for this country. You show up to work even when you don’t have to. You dress up even when you don’t have to. Sometimes you even raise your arm in recognition of hearty cheers from supporters. Who does that? Only someone who loves his country as much as you do. When I heard from your aides that you walked 800 meters from the mosque to your house in Daura, I was like, that is it! Nothing says I am ready to lead this great nation more than a man of your status walking a whole 800 meters. Look at that Saraki, who is trying to undermine you. There was a durbar in his hometown. He was busy riding horses. He couldn’t walk. But you my dear, you walked. With your own legs. When people think you are not fit to lead us for another four years. See what happens when people calm down and allow you to go to London and rest a bit. You are able to perform feats like walking 800 meters.
OVER 5,000 NIGERIAN MEN HAVE OVERCOME POOR BEDROOM PERFORMANCE SYNDROME DUE TO THIS BRILLIANT DISCOVERY
In celebration of your achievements, I walked 800 meters to where I parked my bicycle and have resolved that anytime I want to think of you or show appreciation for all you have done for me and our great country, I will just put my feet down, and walk. When people want to do bad things, they do not walk. How many terrorists use their own legs? When Boko Haram want to attack, they use cars and motorcycles. Foreign terrorists use trucks and planes. They use cars to do car bombs. There are no leisurely walking terrorists.
When men want to cheat on their wives, do they walk? No. They take planes. They drive in cars, and if they can afford it cars with tinted glasses so they will not be seen. They don’t take long leisurely walks.
When people want to loot from the government, do they walk away with bags full of money? No. They use vans and cars. They load them up and drive them to their water tanks, their abandoned buildings, their safes. I have not seen a thief who walked.
Just for the sake of argument, let us assume that the wicked allegation spread by those who hate your government about your amazing finance minister, was true. Let us assume that it was true that she forged her exemption certificate, she would not have done such a crime by walking all the way to Oluwole to sit down with them in a cybercafe. She would have driven there. Or sent her driver, if he was someone she could trust. But of course, we both know it is just a lie. She didn’t forge anything. Even though she has refused to address the in-depth investigative reports by journalists (who may all have been paid to lie who knows), we know that this is all a lie and she is almost as clean as you are. (Because no one can be as pure as you, my pure dear leader.)
Anyway, my point is, no person doing a bad thing walks like you do. It just means you are not a bad person. And that you should be president until 2023.
I laugh when I see Tambuwal wanting to challenge you. Has he ever walked a day in his life? Can he walk 800 meters on foot through his hometown? Can Atiku do it? (We already know Saraki prefers to stick his head through SUVs and ride horses so that one is out of the question). Can Kwankwaso do it through Kano? Can Lamido do it in his hometown? Why won’t they all just support you and stop trying to fight a man who has ended corruption, brought stable electricity and restored the rule of law?
Speaking of rule of law, I need to remind you of Sheikh Zakzaky whose children we massacred. I know you love the rule of law and keep forgetting to release him. Let us find time to release him before elections so that we can call you a loving forgiving father once we begin the campaigns in earnest. People will forget that your army killed hundreds of his unarmed followers and will let it all pass. I will keep reminding you dear.
I was going to complain about insecurity and the dangerous Abuja-Kaduna road, but I see what you did there. Or is it the Kaduna guy? Because I know that not addressing security on our roads is a brilliant way of promoting a train culture. If people are too afraid to use the roads, they will be forced to accept trains and recognise how much the APC government has developed this country. I know you would have sorted out this situation of kidnapping, but you just need people to embrace alternative means of transport as well as move away from a cash economy. In this way, you show you care.
Ps. Can we arrange for you to have a national broadcast at some point? You know, just for the elections. We both know you will not do a debate with other candidates. So just make it impossible for them to say you have not addressed the nation by just arranging one or two national broadcasts before elections. That way people can have the privilege of actually hearing your voice. Because you care.
Yours until 2023 and always