The domestics I leave for another day, but the wild ones are the continuous, incessant failure of our justice system to do anything right as far as corruption is concerned. Why would a doctor ask a sane, adult, concerned Nigerian whether he had stress issues? For God’s sakes, didn’t some judge just the other day let go a former top banker who is alleged to have inter-continentally fleeced Nigerians, just ‘for lack of diligent prosecution’?

Has my doctor not heard that security personnel manning the streets of Kano to protect us from Boko Haram are now killing us at will, including a couple of women the other day? Has my doctor not heard of Two Billion Naira under the bed? And has he not heard that the judge has let the Two Billion Collector go home? That ‘it is a bailable offence’ to keep somebody’s Two Billion Naira (equivalent to some states’ monthly allocation) at home without authorisation, in Nigeria. (Wish it were China?)

In fact, has the good doctor not seen the picture of the alleged pension scammers smiling broadly as they went into court and got out scot free, and may end up in Scotland with the loot? And has he not heard of system collapse in electricity? And he asked me if I was stressed?

Yes, Doctor Whoever, I am stressed locally and nationally. Very much so. And I need a break. I need to let go of some boiling steam. I need to go far from this madding crowd. I need to laugh off the pressure at home, and in the country, as this column regularly does. Who else do I turn to to help lift this heavy burden of stress off my shoulder, but our good friend and teacher, Mullah Nasruddin, in a mix of Domestic and Wild escapades?

FORGERY: The tax collector in Nasruddin’s town was corrupt and accepted many bribes. One day, the Mayor asked the tax collector to present his records for examination. Upon studying them and realising that they were falsified, the Mayor, infuriated with rage, screamed at the tax collector, “Not only are you fired, I also order you to eat these papers you have presented me while we all watch!” So he did as he was ordered, while the court attendants watched in amazement as he ate all the papers. Soon the news of what had happened spread throughout the town. About a week later, the Mayor appointed Nasruddin as the town’s new tax collector. When the mayor asked him to present his records the next week, Nasruddin handed him flat bread upon which he had written the records. The Mayor asked, “Why did you write your records on flat bread? “Well,” Nasruddin replied, “I saw what happened to the other guy, so I wrote these on bread just in case you would make me eat them as well.”

WIFE: One day, the local people complained to Nasruddin, “Your wife is always walking here and there, going to all sorts of different places. It is improper for a woman to so do. For God’s sake, Mullah, tell her that she should stop moving around so much.” “OK,” replied Nasruddin. “If she ever comes to our house, I’ll be sure to tell her.”

POEMS: The Mayor wrote some poems and read them to Nasruddin. “Do you like them?” he asked. “No, not really,” Nasruddin replied, “They weren’t very good.” The Mayor was so enraged he sentenced Nasruddin to three days in jail. The following week, the Mayor again called Nasruddin and read him another set of poems. When the Mayor finished, he turned to Nasruddin and asked, “Well, what do you think of these?” Nasruddin did not say anything and immediately began walking away. The Mayor screamed, “Just where do you think you’re going?’ “To jail!“ Nasruddin replied.

BABY: Late one night, Nasruddin’s baby started crying. His wife turned to him and said, “Husband, go take care of the baby. After all, he is not only mine – he is half yours.” Nasruddin sleepily remarked, “You can go stop your half from crying if you want – but as for me, I will let my half continue to cry.”

EFFICIENCY: Nasruddin was working for an employer who complained to him one day: “You’re doing everything too slowly,” he said. “There’s no reason for you to go to the market three separate times to buy things. You surely can do it all at once.” Then several days later, the employer said to Nasruddin, “I’m ill, go get me a doctor.” Nasruddin went and came back with a doctor and two other people. The boss asked, “Who are the other two people?” “Well,” explained Nasruddin, “in order to save myself from making extra trips, I also brought the Imam, in case we need to pray for your recovery; and the undertaker, in case you die!“

THIEF: One night, a thief broke into Nasruddin’s house and began putting items in a sack. Nasruddin woke up and joined the thief by adding a few items in the thief’s sack. The thief was so bewildered that he turned to Nasruddin and asked, “What in the world are you doing?” “Well,” Nasruddin replied, “I thought we were moving, so I began helping you pack.”

STUPID: A philosopher made an appointment with Nasruddin to have a scholarly discussion. When the day came, the philosopher dropped by Nasruddin’s house as planned. However, Nasruddin had forgotten the appointment and wasn’t home. The philosopher angrily took his chalk and wrote ‘STUPID’ on Nasruddin’s door, and left. Nasruddin finally came home later and saw this. Quickly realising he had missed his appointment,  he darted off to the philosopher’s house. “Forgive my error,” Nasruddin said, “I totally forgot about our appointment. But when I got home and saw you had written your name on my door, I immediately remembered and came here as fast as I could.”

WISE: A friend asked Nasruddin: “How does one become wise?” Nasruddin replied: “Listen attentively to wise people when they speak. And when someone is listening to you, listen attentively to what you are saying!“

LIFE: Nasruddin was teaching his son some life lessons. “Never give anybody anything immediately,” he said. “Wait until at least a couple of days have gone by.” “But why?” his son inquired. “Because,” Nasruddin responded, “people appreciate receiving something much more if they first have to doubt whether or not they will actually get it!“

Yes, Doctor Whoever, listen attentively to what you are saying, wait two days to tell me my next BP reading, and yes, we are moving things under the bed, and we are stupidly bailable! Let that half baby cry! I sound stressed?! Yeah, right, I am!

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