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Snakes on board

Dearest Buhari,

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Can I confess to you? I have always loved snakes. Since the first time I saw snakes close up growing up, you know those brown ones popular in Kaduna, I loved their shiny skin. I love the way they slither through vegetation with stealth and grace. Even when some snakes showed up in our house and they had to call in the snake charmer to remove them, I was fascinated by all their colours and by their beauty. I never knew the pivotal role they would play in our history as a nation. There are many types of snakes and you ought to know. 

Snakes have a quality of making people very very blessed. We all know how little our public servants get paid. Even the most senior members of government would hardly be able to afford things like mansions or houses abroad if not for some additional source of income. And so when our able military chief Buratai was discovered to own houses in Dubai, people were naturally worried, especially with your zero tolerance on corruption stance. Everyone knows you have nothing to do with thieves. Unless of course, they are your friends in which case it is really not your fault. Even holy men of God had people close to them who betrayed them. I wasn’t surprised of course when Buratai told us his wealth came from his snake farm. This is something I honestly should have thought of with all my love for snakes. I should have kept a snake farm and I too would have had houses in Dubai. I hope his snakes multiply. 

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Now a staff of JAMB has revealed that the money in her custody, around 36 million naira was miraculously swallowed by snakes sent to her from her house help who confessed after a church service in Jos. When I heard that story I was like, ehen! So this is how snakes make people rich. They take from the undeserving and give to the deserving. I am sure that staff of JAMB who lost the money was lazy and undeserving and certainly not a lover of snakes and so the house help, working as an agent of the snakes and by extension and agent of God decided to reappropriate the resources. I do not know if the snakes who took this money are Buratai’s snakes. But I doubt it. Buratai’s snakes mostly work on property abroad worth millions of dollars. I am not sure they would be interested in JAMB money. 

I also saw a photo of a snake in Kaduna kneeling down to greet you. You know those ones who look like humans but will bite you the first chance they get. Those type of snakes you have to be careful of. 

Hmm, my dear, did you hear of what is going on in Zamfara? Not snakes o, human beings. Apparently, they have been operating there for a long time and have taken over many parts of the state, killing villagers and looting villages. The last time you spoke about it, you said it was regrettable. I don’t mean that you should do anything about it: Zamfara is very far away from Abuja and is not like Kano that has many million votes. But at least say that it is “very regrettable” this time. Not just “regrettable”. I think the bandits were afraid the first time but not afraid enough not to attack again. This time if you add “very”, they might just shelve any plans they have of attacking again. There is nothing like a properly worded condemnation in tackling issues of national security. I know you can do it. If you like I can look at a draft of your statement condemning the killings to see if it is tough enough and if it will scare away the bandits. You don’t have to pay me. I will do it because I love you. 

I was working on some early poster designs for our 2019 campaigns and will send them to you via WhatsApp. Let me know what you think. 

Before I go I was wondering if you think Rochas will cower over that Zuma statue in Owerri now that he has been forced to resign after countless corruption allegations. Or do you think they will remove the head and reshape it to look like Cyril Ramaphosa, seeing as the two have almost the same body shape and height? That might be a smart thing to do. No one has to know it was the old Zuma statue. Can you suggest it to him? You know how he likes you. 

Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna.  It is never too late to do the right thing. It is 2018. We need good karma for our 2019 re-election. Release him, his wife and his people. Or conduct a fair and open trial. Then we can even use it to score political points. Hugs. 

Yours until 2023 and forever

Elnathan John.  


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