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Running

Dearest Buhari,

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You know, for some people, their first instinct – if they saw problems like daily kidnappings everywhere, daily massacres in villages in Benue and Taraba, the free- for-all war zone that is Birnin Gwari, the armed bandits who have taken over Zamfara, the poverty and hopelessness happening under their watch – would be to run away. But you, my dear, despite your age and health, have decided to run, toward the problems so that you can be part of the solution. And for this I admire you. 

I am here trying to campaign for you and I want to understand some points of your domestic policy. I know you want herdsmen to get grazing lands and amnesty. Because the real problem is grazing. But then, you also said that the people who kill and wipe out villages are herdsmen trained and equipped by Ghaddafi who died many years ago. I must say that I believe you like I believe everything that comes out of your mouth. I have to add that if it was Ghaddafi that caused all of our herdsmen killings, those bandits must have good maintenance culture. Because it is not easy to keep weapons all these years. Except if they got money to buy new rifles, which I doubt. So they know how to maintain their weapons. 

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I think there is something we can learn from these Ghaddafi’s people. But the real question is: If they are mercenaries trained by Ghaddafi, should we still give them grazing land to solve the violence? Because I am not sure the bandits trained by Ghaddafi care very much about grazing land. Anyway, send me an email explaining it to me so that I can explain it to the wailers who doubt your ability to lead this country for another 5 years. 

I am also excited about your trip to London, especially as you have given no return date. You can’t trust Nigerians. Once you give them a return date everyone will give you a list of things to buy for them as if you had all the luggage allowance in the world. And it is not as if they would pay for extra luggage. Only thing is, like the last time, I will really miss you. But I will spend my time designing the posters for your campaign. Please send me your recent photos, especially ones where you are wearing white. I love you in white. It shows that in spite of all the bloodlettings in Zamfara, Benue, Taraba, Kaduna and Nassarawa, you are still clean. In spite of all the kidnappings, you are still pure. 

So, since we both know you are going to win elections in 2019, can we start thinking of building a hospital in Abuja that is equipped enough to treat you and your children? Something you can be confident enough to attend without fearing for your life? Even if it is one hospital. And then, of course, build or renovate one spot which can be used as the presidential resort, somewhere you can go on vacation. You know, like Camp David in America. 

Also, I know you are tired, but can we do like a monthly broadcast from when you return, just for show (I know you hate talking to the people who think they elected you), in English (because even though I know that you prefer Hausa, these Nigerians can complain). Just once a month, no debates or anything. Just something short and crisp. Something to make people think you care. I think it might help with the campaign. You know how Nigerians are. Once you open your mouth everyone will begin to praise you as if there was not insecurity and violence in the country. And they should praise you because the violence is not your fault but that of Ghaddafi. Why should you take the blame? Did you beg anyone to make you president? 

Also, can we pay some more ransom to release some more girls close to the elections? Not too far away from the elections because you know how Nigerians like to forget. The closer to election time the better so that the release of the girls will be fresh in their minds as they put their thumbprints next to your party logo. 

Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna.  It is never too late to do the right thing. It is 2018. We need good karma for our 2019 re-election. Release him, his wife and his people. Or conduct a fair and open trial. Then we can even use it to score political points. Hugs. 

Yours until 2023 and forever

Elnathan John.   

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