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How London Sabotaged Buhari’s American Visit

It is saddening, that the BBC, Buhari’s most favoured medium would join the bash-up. Yes, the gang-up aimed at destroying the unbeatable strides of our cherished son, the president who sees Naija with the eyes of Donald Trump – an amazing country. The wicked would translate amazing to mean many different things but Arewa sons and daughters know it’s an unprecedented endorsement echoed by jannah itself. That endorsement would win elections.

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God knows how much we needed the Washington DC visit. It was meant to silence the tongues of people like the Wizard of Ota whose greatest fear is of an Arewa person beating his moth-eaten reputation. President Jones met Obama but he did not succeed in getting Obama to skirt over Naija skies. Now Baba Trump has promised to come to Naija to meet its ‘amazing people’. Of course, the youths won’t make the parade, except they abandon their lazy ways, move to live in farming settlements and become canon fodders for herdsmen. 

We are happy to be the first president from a shithole country to meet with retard. Those who appeal to Google for contrary opinions are on their own. While Sai Baba was rubbing his palms together like a shy suitor before Trump, the enemies of our presidency were working hard to undermine the impact of the visit. Or how else does one describe the content and timing of the BBC documentary on the alleged drug abuse epidemic in the north? Such a highly rated broadcaster bent on taking the shine off our best moment. Yes, we did not buy Tucano ‘helicopters’ from London, but we were responsible for taking the ‘great’ out of the empire or prolonging the Brexit route. All these even after Sai Baba had branched off in London to brief Lady May and secure her blessings and to throw a verbal salvo at indolent youths.

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The BBC was clever by half. We would not forget the snide comments and jaundiced analysis that greeted the celebrated re-launch of the Sharia moral code in Zamfara as it skirted the rest of our Arewa; or the reintroduction of the Hisbah, our moral police. BBC looked the other way as governments that shared the value added tax, VAT on alcohol made open shows of destroying truckloads of alcoholic drinks across Arewaland. We have always said ‘No’ to anything with the potential of reducing our moral superiority over other parts of the Lugard Empire where permissiveness has bred promiscuity and debauchery. We have preserved our pristine culture and rejected boko and its haram. 

The codein epidemic is not in our character. It must have crept into our land from Crackpool, sorry I meant Liverpool or some place else in Europe. Someone please tell the BBC that we don’t do drugs in Arewaland but to stop them tarnishing our bad image, we have now placed any medication with codeine on the prohibition list. In practical terms, this solves all our problems. Britain would now have to help us deal with the black market, because the colour makes it difficult for us to tackle it.

With immediate effect and automatic alacrity, no addict, (if any existed in Arewaland) would suffer from withdrawal symptoms. We won’t have to equip our hospitals; or build rehabilitation centres; we won’t have to train experts to deal with the situation at hand although Britain would say it has spent millions to help us deal with the issue. 

Pastor Osinbade has a role to play here, especially for his region where this epidemic has reached alarming proportions. He could order a national fast and call a solemn assembly. He could meet with our monarchs to ensure that this phantom scourge that the BBC exhumed in Arewaland is prayed out of existence. It is said that faith moves mountains although the BBC wouldn’t understand that with most churches in Britain having been turned over to discotheques, while we are building world-record cathedrals. 

But for the Brexit headache of Lady May, we could ‘ve ordered our crack reporters at NTA to make a damning documentary on London as the drug capital of Europe to be aired when Baba Trump visits London later this year. As better people we’ll rather leave our foreign and information ministers to deal with this diplomatic slight than retaliate in the hope that the BBC would henceforth agree to keep our secrets secret. 

Now that we’ve dealt with the insult from the BBC, we are still celebrating the gains of the visit from Trumpville. We’ve since learnt that Tucano aircrafts are equipped to sweep the ashes of Boko Haram away lest it keeps causing explosions as it did in Mubi and Maiduguri. 

There’s a bill in parliament targeting those who insult ‘constituted authority’. Those who doubt Sai Baba’s capacity to put it to use, especially nosey BBC reporters should check Google for what happened to the trio of Batholomew Owoh, Lawal Akanni Ojulope and Bernard Ogedegbe. You see, even 30 years ago, Sai Baba foresaw the impact that drugs could have on Naija and made efforts to tackle it. Those who think that abuse of constituted authority could not be punished by death should listen to the wisdom of our northern philosopher, JKN Waku, that if we fail to learn from history, history would teach us a lesson. 


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