Happy vacation

Dearest Buhari,


Long time my dearest. I just thought I should give you a little space seeing as everything seems to be challenging these days. In fact I am so glad you could find the time to go on vacation in our second home, London. Other world leaders without imagination or creativity go for vacations in their own countries. They cannot think out of the box like you. They also have put all their eggs in one basket, building hospitals and holiday resorts good enough for their president. I think that is selfish. I am glad you can visit your doctor while adding value to the world and allowing the United Kingdom to pay reparation for colonialism by assisting you with proper healthcare. It is not your fault that they decided to invade our countries, and I see no reason why you should stop using their hospitals. 

My dear I see everyone pretending to defect from the APC to get your attention. If they want something from you they should just say it. We both know you will dust their files and most of them will return in time for the elections. For those who don’t return, we can help by jogging EFCC’s memory of their pending files. The fact that you forgave people in your party for their corruption does not mean they should take you for granted. This is what happens to people who are kind and loving like you. People try to take advantage. Look at how you kindly kept Jones Abiri in detention for two years, freeing him from having to pay for food, clothing or shelter. Imagine how much money he has saved in these two years when your SSS have kept him in their underground cell. You even helped him with a weight loss plan and he came to court looking fit, having lost a few excess kilos. People keep shouting about human rights and obeying court orders but they forget how much you have done for the man. Two years of feeding! If you now ask for your money back, they will say you are wicked. But you are not wicked. You care about your people. 


I see the games in African Athletics competition in Asaba, were a complete mess. They don’t know how this is strategic. Yes, some people were stranded in airports, and some games could not hold was planned but think if we had a perfect competition in addition to being the giant of Africa. Sometimes when you are playing a game with a child, you let them win so that they can feel like they are part of it, so that they can feel good. We fail a little so that at least we can give that bit to the last country that hosted the games. We do not want to steal all the tourists and all the attention. Other countries need to be carried along in this Africa business. 

Darling, I really love how the Inspector General of Police is showing his loyalty to us o. See how his men swung into action with the Benue State government especially after our former man there decamped. Also how his men in F-SARS teach young men and women the meaning of respect and compliance. I know the policemen who shoot and torture unarmed men don’t mean to kill or inflict harm. They just want to instil values in Nigerians, using their guns. We will need this IGP for these elections. If he can withdraw police orderlies to men who defy us now, think of what he will do when it is time for election proper in 2019. I would have said you should promote him but he is already IGP. 

I almost didn’t want to mention Kemi Adeosun’s allegedly forged certificate, but I will mention it because your detractors are always mentioning it. There is no need for her to resign or anything. You need someone from the south (and one who sounds foreign when they speak is an added advantage) in your cabinet to prove that you are not a bigot and you do not encourage nepotism. Also she is a woman and I know that you are a feminist in your heart so there is no need to fire her over a mere rumour of fraud. Were they there when the lawmakers allegedly blackmailed her into smuggling things into their budgets and fraudulently releasing huge sums of money? Were they there when she allegedly dodged NYSC and pretended that she actually was exempted? Were they there when the guys at Oluwole were allegedly designing the certificate? I think we should just pretend nothing happened and Nigerians will forget about it. They have a short attention span anyway. Everything will be alright. 

As you enjoy your vacation in London, remember they like to stab people with knives o. So don’t go staring at strangers like we do in Nigeria. And can we think of a few things to do for votes? Like obeying court orders, releasing Zakzaky and his wife, releasing Jones Abiri and telling Femi Adesina to stop writing those inane and disrespectful press releases? We need to look good and we can’t have someone like Femi insulting people on our behalf. 

Yours until 2023, Elnathan John

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