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Gospel according to Fada Mai Kuka (FMK)

I find this article so intriguing and instructive that I offer it as a guest column this week. My column returns next week.

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And it came to pass, when King Obunjo had faileth to make himself three times King over Niagara, he receiveth a strange voice that instructeth him thus: “Anoint a ruler over Niagara, one among the Northern stars and the other to assist, amongst the children of the Creeks.”
2. And King Obunjo anointeth a frail looking man, whose days had been numbered as King of Niagara and to be assisted by a fisherman according to the Oracle, for the kingdom of Niagara was to be built upon his head. And the frail man was called Moses Aduak for he was a prayer warrior from the household of Fodio the Great and the fisherman was Lameduck Johntai.
3. And Lameduck, the son of a boatman was born by mother Fate with the mark of sandals on his feet. And for this reason, it was ordained that he would not fasten any sandals to his feet until he performed the rites of passage. Howbeit, the Oracle had ordained that he would inherit Niagara and correct all the injustices visited upon his people. For his land flowed with the slur of oil; but his people neither had oil for their starch nor fish for their kpokpo gari save “push-me-I-push-you.”
4. And it came to pass after Moses Aduak played god with his frail body, he passeth away in the strong arms of Queen Tworai and her kitchen cabinet. The Assembly exhumeth and invoketh the ordinance, nameth Doctrine of Necessity according to Saint Mark. And the Niagara people sayeth, “Aye, aye, a modern day Daniel hath come to judgment.”
5. Wherefore Lameduck was anointed King over Niagara, first to complete the table set before King Moses Aduak in the presence of his enemies and to relish the culinary proclivity of a Dame Chai Patty to which the Niagara people sayeth in unison and in a loud voice, “Aye, aye, aye.”
7. And Lameduck after he began to reign did not that which was right in the sight of the Oracle like Obunjo his godfather, and in the sight of Niagarites. He surrounded himself with women whom the Oracle hath warneth him about through Prophet Mbakai. Women like Wahala, Dizzy and worst still Dame Chai Pat. They stole his heart and led him to worship their gods. And not done, Lameduck hobnobbed with Delilah whom he divulged his secrets t, that since birth he had not worn shoes. And in addition to these women were men like Okugbe, Funny Kaoed, De’Klerk, Ruebebed, Alberti and other palace jesters and courtesans who told him what he wanted to hear.
7. Whereupon, Crickets from the World of Pinocchio forewarned that his board members were growing bumps at the expense of the commonwealth. But the Oracle hardened Lameduck’s heart so that he would only hear the praise singing of Asadduck, De’ Klerk, Tommy Polio, Loaf d’ Breadboy and sundry choristers. Thereupon he calleth Obunjo motor park tout and his economic postulation, motor park economics to the delight of his co-travellers. And the cowries of Niagara took a free fall. Nothing in Samsung Lamidi’s whistle that his board members had shared like all those blood that were shared in Bono stirred him from his self-induced stupour.
8. And it so happened, that from the far-east of his estate rose Pied Piper Shikena of  Syria, who preacheth the word that too much ‘boko’ had causeth madness in the land. He thus threatened that if the biblical Law of Moses was not restored, he would merge Niagara with Syria. And the King of Bono by the name Sarz acting on the instruction of Lameduck causeth the Lieutenant of Pied Piper Shikena to be arrested and summarily dismissed to the hereafter.
10. Thereupon Pied Piper Shikena adjusted his beard, rolled up the legs of his trousers, fastened “egbe” amulet around his waist and arms, then bleweth his flute and all the sonorous melody enchanted the Chibuzm girls who danced to the samba rhythm and followed him singing.
11. Now the acts of Lameduck, how he handed over the polity to scavengers, how he yielded his heart to his women who turned his heart against the Oracle, and how he denied the Chibuzm girls, how he reneged on the agreement to yield his throne to another of his godsons, are they not written in the book of seer Mbakai and Prophet Mai Kuka?
12. Thus it came to pass, that Lameduck put an elaborate plan to succeed himself. He summoned all the seers and prophets in the land to pray to the Oracle to grant him his heart’s desires.  And the battle for the throne was between him and PMB Wai aka Papa Go-Slow.  Whereupon Mbakai under the ordinance of the Assembly presented the Oracle’s Commandments thus: whosoever desireth to rule in Niagara shall not be corrupt, and whosoever desireth to rule shall throw in the towel if he is on the losing side. Anyone who violateth the latter commandment shall the Gbagbo treatment be subjected …
13. And the people of Niagara fileth out and in a monumental one voice  saith; Lameduck, the Oracle hath rejected thee as King over Niagara. To your tent O Lameduck. To your Creek O Chai Pat.
14. And the Kingdom was handed over to PMB Wai aka Baba Go Slow and within a twinkle he causeth men of yesteryears who were in Lameduck’s court to take purgatives, to purge their stomach of excess fat.
15. There rose Prophet Mai Kuka like latter day prophets with a new doctrine: “Lameduck is the Oracle’s anointed.” And He sayeth: “touch not mine anointed and do them no harm even if they dipeth their fingers in the oil jar for the Oracle hath decreed that stealing is not corruption. Lameduck’s good works of accepting defeat and evading the Gbagbo treatment are divine. Niagara would have a hell turned and all the Niagarites would be wailing today. And furthermore, Mai Kuka drew Niagara’s attention to its good luck (no pun intended) in Lameduck’s adoption of the Jagajaga contraption that threw up PMB Wai aka Baba Go-Slow.
26. Thus Mai Kukah spake parables: a certain man went to the House of Oracle whom he calleth his father and carteth away the offerings, tithes, cassocks, and the musical instruments. And the man left a note for the congregation admonishing them not to panic. He saith: “I and my father, the Oracle are one. What belongeth to my father is mine. I have been with you for years but ye knoweth me not. Whatever I have taken belongeth to my father and since my father and I are one, they belong to me.”
17. Prophet Mbakai was angered and he remindeth us thus: “Little children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that antichrist shall come, even now are there many antichrists; whereby we know that it is the last time,”and “knoweth ye, that not all that calleth ‘Oracle, Oracle’ shall glean the second coming of my son?”
Davies Fabudah

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