When I first heard that we were going to London, (y)our second home, to launch the national carrier a few months ago, I wept for joy. Your detractors made shameful comments asking why we would go to London to launch a Nigerian national carrier. They could not comment on how beautiful the logo was. Or the expertise involved in using Microsoft Power point to do the London presentation of Nigeria Air. People think using Power point is easy but so many people get it wrong. The Nigeria Air Power point presentation went without a hitch and none of the naysayers could put their hands together in applause. What a shame. Anyway, I am here to remind Nigerians that the mere fact that it was done in London means nothing, seeing as Nigeria has property in London which constitutes sovereign territory. Technically, the Nigerian embassy is Nigerian soil. So if we own a little bit of London who says our dear leader can’t hang out there from time to time or that we cannot launch a national carrier there. Also, I am told that the evil spirits prevalent in Nigerian villages cannot travel abroad, so they couldn’t have come to ruin the event. I suspect it has to do with the difficulty of the spirits gaining access to embassies for visas. I don’t think any embassy has started offering consular and visa services to non-human entities.
Now, some terrible enemies of yours have alleged that they always knew that this airline was never going to work and that perhaps someone used the entire project as a way of laundering funds, presumably for the 2019 elections. This is worse than speculation. It is hate speech. Yes, the national carrier idea crashed two months after it was launched but two months is a long time and it merely shows a listening, democratic leader. In an autocratic government (which some enemies of yours are calling this government but never mind them) the leader would have gone ahead with the national carrier and ended up with a project like the Ajaokuta steel processing plant. My dear, you are so humble that you decided to listen to reason and stop this project before it consumes many (more) billions. And this is why people should vote for you in 2019. In fact, you were so kind that you did not go to London to announce the failure of the project. The Minister would have been within his right to do so, just like he decided to launch it in London. But you like to cut costs and save the Nigerian commonwealth. Tears are welling up in my eyes just thinking of how kind you are.
OVER 5,000 NIGERIAN MEN HAVE OVERCOME POOR BEDROOM PERFORMANCE SYNDROME DUE TO THIS BRILLIANT DISCOVERY
I was reading a news report about soldiers on the frontline of the war against Boko Haram and ISWAP complaining about not getting enough supplies, some having to purchase blankets for themselves. Now, I am sure these are mere rumours and that the soldiers fighting are getting everything they need, from their allowances to the right weapons and ammunition. That is why you have been winning the war. All the recent rumours of Boko Haram taking over territory or killing dozens of soldiers are mere rumours. If not, you would have acknowledged the dead soldiers or at least have senior officers or even yourself attend their funerals. So, since this did not happen, I think all is well and we are winning. I am sure the people of Borno will all vote for you in gratitude for all the truth you have told about the war and how well you have equipped the army and provided for the internally displaced persons. I know some of the internally displaced persons have accused the camp and security officials of abuse and rape but I am sure you have done something about it even though I have not seen it in the news. You love to work silently, I know.
Can I just say I love the way Sagay is loyal to you even when the law indicates otherwise? The law, after all, was made to serve humans and not humans to serve the law. So it is a thing of beauty to watch him twist and turn to prove his love for you. There is nothing like a loyal servant. Festus Keyamo may try his best, but there is nothing like an old professor of law not allowing a little thing like the rule of law stand in between him and his political master. We need to promote him when we win the elections next year. Maybe make him a junior minister or something.
Ps. Now that we have released Jones Abiri from illegal underground secret service detention, can we release Zakzaky? And at least allow him live a normal life with the remaining members of his family we haven’t shot dead? That would be really nice dear.
Yours now and until 2023
John will be back with a fresh piece