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Earthquake Buhari

A view of Mpape Photo: Abdul Musa

Dearest Buhari,
It made a lot of sense to me that on a day that you were returning from China, we had earth tremors in many parts of the country, especially Abuja, your seat of power. Even the earth acknowledged your return. Especially at a time when Atiku and Saraki and Kwankwaso are flexing their muscles and declaring that they want to run for president, I think the universe is reminding people that there is only one mover and shaker in Nigeria and that is you. I know that your enemies and people carrying out campaigns of calumny against you keep spreading news reports of the secret service making people disappear and keeping people for years without trial. They spread news about the secret service torturing people in underground cells without taking them to court. I have not seen any torture. So I do not believe. I saw the former head of the Human Rights Commission posting photos on Twitter of scars from torture after being held for two years, much of which was incommunicado. That man could have gone out to drink and fallen and hurt himself. I did not see the secret service torturing anyone. And they say zato zunubi ne.

My dear I wanted to ask about Kemi and her allegedly forged NYSC exemption certificate. I am wondering, (not that I think she is a criminal or anything) maybe if it is true that she forged her certificate like Premium Times alleges, that means she has some graphic art skills. Because the NYSC certificate is not easy to design. Now, even in America, when the FBI catches like a really talented hacker, they offer them deals so that their skills don’t go to waste. I am not saying you should do anything to the Finance Minister, because like your people said, forgery is not corruption. I am saying that if, worst case scenario, you find out that Madam Kemi did forge her certificate we can put her skills to good use. We can ask her to design all our campaign posters and flyers. There will be no need to pay people millions to do the designs. If she can do such a complicated certificate, she can design a campaign poster. And we can keep her as part of the government.
Did you hear about that relative of Abba Kyari accusing him of defrauding him of over 300 million naira? I think that even if it is true, I am sure he was trying to save some money for government. Imagine if you had to pay a man from the village 300 million from government coffers. That would hit the economy hard. Also, assuming but not conceding that this allegation is true, I think Abba Kyari was trying to save the man from himself and from armed robbers and kidnappers. All that money can be destructive. He can attract the worst things, from bad friends to people who want to kill him for the money to bad habits. Imagine if he became a drug addict or heavy drinker because of all that money. I once heard of a man who won a huge lottery and went mad. You have such considerate people around you, Bubu.
So I saw a photo circulating of a man in Aso Rock using a broom to sweep the red carpet that was going to be used to receive Angela Merkel. They were criticising you for not using a vacuum cleaner or some other machine. I think it is metaphor for everything your stand for. You refuse to let our culture die. You were in that one photo which was on the BBC, marketing our brooms. Instead of them to check how brooms were doing in the Nigerian economy and the impact on tourism (because I am sure some Americans or Europeans might see that photo and think: we want to come to Nigeria and see how those brooms are being used and produced.) This would be great for our foreign exchange and for our economy. I also think that there are things a broom can do that a vacuum cleaner cannot do. Also I believe you believe in the environment and was trying to make sure we do not use so much power. You are saving the planet, one broom at a time. Slowly, you will take us back to a cleaner, more healthy environment where we do not allow technology get in the way of our lives. I think more people should follow your lead and use brooms instead of machines.
Ps. Like I said last week, can we arrange for you to have a national broadcast at some point? You know, just for the elections. We both know you will not do a debate with other candidates. So just make it impossible for them to say you have not addressed the nation by just arranging one or two national broadcasts before elections. That way people can have the privilege of actually hearing your voice. Because you care. Also, can we release Zakzaky?
Yours now and until 2023
Elnathan John

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