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Don’t stop the music

Dearest Buhari,

I think for once it is time to learn something from one of your juniors. I am still breathless from what Jagaban Tinubu pulled off in Lagos. After you met with him he still insisted that as someone to whom the state belongs, it was time to discipline one of his children. I think once we can understand how one individual controls a state with a GDP the size of a few West African countries combined. He must have the spirit of God or something. And people must genuinely love him. Of course, you are still the most loved person in Nigeria, but you have so many people trying to disrespect you by trying to contest elections in 2019. We need to know how an incumbent governor can get less only 10 percent of the vote in his party primaries. That way we can end the matter of your popularity.

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I think you should call Tinubu and ask him how often he fasts and which prayers he says. We need every tool we can lay our hands on in 2019. And then once we have found that tool we need to share it with our guy in Kaduna, who despite his manoeuvres could not stop Shehu Sani from getting his Senate seat in the primaries. I remember him saying people should shave the hair off his head. I think the people didn’t hear Nasir properly.

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I am afraid the next senate might be boring. I fear that Dino, now running under PDP in Kogi may not return, Ben Bruce is out, Adeleke might not be there. Who will dance, sing and tweet in the next Senate? I think Dino and Adeleke need to do a valedictory music video, broadcasted live from the Senate chambers on Periscope by Mr Bruce. They will be sorely missed.

I am so glad that the people of Kano came through with 2.9 million votes for you in the APC primaries. It is great how quickly they counted those votes in a few hours without any technical hitches. I think INEC should learn from the Kano APC who can organise voting among such huge numbers without anyone noticing uncontrollable crowds. Perhaps the Kano people can help with an instructional video? I am sure we will get twice that in the elections in that state alone.

Ehen, so Ben Bruce went out to protest and said he got teargassed. I think we should ask the police and security forces to exercise caution here. It is hard to deny having brutalised someone so light skinned. The marks will show on his body and he will have something to show his people in the embassies where he likes to report you to. Someone like Dino, no problem. But Bruce kai, it will be bad for our reelection. Let us restrict our police brutality to the dark ones please.

Are you already thinking of the next cabinet? I know it is fun to wait six months before we get a cabinet but maybe this time we should surprise them by having a cabinet ready the day after we win elections in 2019. They will be shocked.

Also I think it is time for the photoshoot where you wear the clothes from the different regions to show you are not a tribalist. Igbo, Yoruba clothes for the posters. You don’t have to love them. Just do it for the posters and we can campaign for you in places where you typically get 5%. This time, maybe they will see you wearing their clothes and fall in love. I can’t wait to see the photos.

Can we finish preparing the EFCC files on the frontrunners who will challenge you in the opposition? I see people have begun to drop out of the race for Tambuwal. He must have some billions in allegations somewhere in some file. I see Saraki is already being taken care of with his people all in the courts for fraud. Oh, and by the way, I must say you really do have a large forgiving heart. I was thinking the law would take its course when former minister Kemi Adeosun resigned over forgery. Isn’t that still a criminal offence? Anyway, it is nice that no one pursued charges. If it was in a bad country, they would have arrested and charged her after she admitted that the certificate was in fact fake. Also they might have investigated further to find out who in the National Assembly was blackmailing her and how much we lost to that blackmail. But you are kind and forgiving. That is why you will win in 2019.

Ps. Can we release Zakzaky? And at least allow him to live a normal life with the remaining members of his family we haven’t shot dead? That would be really nice dear. Let’s do it before the elections. Him and Leah Sharibu. It will be a genius move.

Yours now and until 2023

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