Daily Trust

A London rest

Dearest Buhari,

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I don’t want to disturb your well-deserved rest in London. This love letter is first and foremost about how much you deserve that rest, having worked so hard, so conscientiously, do diligently, so selflessly for the Nigerian people. You have delivered on all of your promises, the electricity, the roads, the jobs, the corruption you swore to end, the insecurity you swore to end. And if people cannot see the things you have done, this is not your fault. People need to first imagine these things, have faith, and it will begin to be clear to them why you deserve and will get power again in 2019. 

There are many reasons to rest. Let us start with Kemi Adeosun, our Finance minister. Your enemies and I suspect her village enemies have ganged up to unearth an allegedly forged NYSC exemption certificate. Look dear, let us even assume that she went to Oluwole herself to sit down in the business centre where they designed the certificate to make sure they spelt her name correctly, isn’t that someone who was creating jobs? The people in that business centre using their creativity to produce great graphics, don’t they deserve jobs too? And that is even if Kemi Adeosun forged the certificate. I am glad that she did not even dignify the accusations with a response, because all that matters is that you support and care for her. Nigerians really don’t matter in this instance since you are their father and you are taking care of them already, giving them 24-hour electricity and security and giving their children great healthcare and world class education. 

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And I must address the issue of you going to seek medical care in London. You do this out of love. Yes, you only use London hospitals because you love us. Your enemies and detractors will ask how. Well, let me tell them how. Imagine if you decided to use Nigerian hospitals. Let us say, you had to be on admission at the National Hospital. First, they would have to seal off the entire wing where you are. They would have to dedicate doctors, nurses, lab technicians and scientists, and other consultants to your care. That would mean that other patients would suffer. It would mean guns. Plenty of guns in a hospital environment. Police guns. Military guns. Secret service guns. Civil Defence guns. Imagine all that firepower in a place that tries to heal people. Imagine if a nurse, nervous at having to treat the president, mistakenly drops one of those stainless steel bowls or trays onto the terrazzo floors and makes the police panic (let’s face it, if anyone will panic it will be a policeman) and then he fires a shot, making the secret service respond with shots, and then the army shoots and all of a sudden there is a big shootout in the National hospital and no one knows where or who the enemy is. And then after all the bullets are exhausted and many people have been shot dead, they discover that it was the new Nurse Salamatu from Koton Karfe who dropped a stainless steel tray as she brought the medicine for the president. No! We will not let this happen. We will not allow your healthcare to cost the lives of innocent Nigerians. And let’s face it, Nurse Salamatu from Koton Karfe will also lose her job and that will be one more unemployed person and one less person from Koton Karfe represented at the National Hospital. London is better please. 

I must say this your deputy knows how to keep house when you are away. People scream and disrespect you and once you leave he goes and commissions something and gives a nice speech with nice English and people forget why they are angry with you: they forget all the scandals and accusations and people in prison. We need him. Let’s keep him. He will be good for calming people down when we do something they do not like. 

Yours now and until 2023,

Elnathan John

Ps. My dear, are we now arresting journalists? Because I think the Inspector General of Police is trying to sabotage our 2019 ambition o! First it was the Secret Service who held Jones Abiri for two years without trial or anything. Now the police arrested Samuel Ogundipe, trying to force him to reveal his sources. I think we should call that man and warn him. We can’t afford to have that kind of thing. (I mean, it is already a problem that we have had Sheikh Zakzaky in detention for over two and a half years, having massacred almost all of his children in Kaduna and hundreds of his followers. I really think we should release him so we can score some political points before elections. Think of it dear. We can then say you are a kind and forgiving person. Nigerians love forgiving people.)